it is rather hard to know what to write when one is a grad school student. I mean, my life consists of either thinking about my work or actually doing my work - or attempting to numb my brain for a few hours by either sleeping or watching a marathon of arrested development as I shove food in my face. 

my life is not as romantic as it seems, student housing, loads of books and notes. black tights and leotards are my standard daily wear, even though months before this I would not have been caught dead in public in a pair of leggings, but now I don't have the time or energy to care. 

today was spent in ilsington, london at yet another vintage fair where I came away with my own china teapot and a cup and saucer. they don't match but I rather enjoy an eclectic mix. lots of clothing and mad men era vintage dresses to drool over. my favorites included this beautiful silk black day dress from the 1930s, but I am attempting to save my money for more necessary things such as a decent robe and some clothing I can afford to roll around in movement class in. and good food. with only 20 minutes to stuff my face between classes I realize now the importance of having quality food in my system as I study ibsen, chekhov and the greeks in all their glory. 

I have fallen so hard for chekhov especially and simply can't wait to get my hands around the work with sonya in uncle vanya. though I was surprised by just how much I have enjoyed exploring classical greek text as well. it just goes to show you in the right atmosphere and with the right people texts that once seemed slow and boring can be brought to life in an entirely new way. ah the glory of education, who knew, who knew?

only a few classes in and my mind has already been opened up to whole new worlds that I have never had the opportunity to explore fully. I dove straight into the library and was overwhelmed with the amount of material I have at my fingertips. so much it is hard to know where to start. I decided to start with things that have to do with my classes, but there are so many books well beyond anything we are studying that I can't wait to get my hands on. 

I just couldn't help myself today however and had to take a break from the work. These vintage flea markets are deadly to the pocket book, but it was just too hard to resist a classic scone and tea with milk and sugar to bring this sunday to a close. after all the hard work, running and jumping and sweating work - I deserve a treat. not to mention I woke up to the beginnings of a cold, despite my best efforts to stay clean, healthy and full of vitamin c - all the close contact with other students cannot be helped. so it is an early night for me and the beginning of a new week tomorrow. I cannot fathom how fast time is flying by, I knew this would happen so I am trying to hold onto the moment as tight as I can, and as I sat there drinking my tea and enjoying the charming setting around me, I realized that I have fallen, and fallen hard for london. 

it is amazing how little time is actually needed for things to change. sometimes it takes a minute, an hour, a second. it can be as simple as doing your laundry when that next great thought appears, or when a memory suddenly floods back to you.

however in my experience change has generally been a very slow process. more often than not it takes years. so imagine my surprise that within these last 72 hours so much has been revealed to me that it is hard to know where to begin. I struggle to come up with a cohesive set of words, because I wish to pick the right ones, and I want to tread carefully as to not darken the very small light that seems to be revealing itself to me.

the thing is, I won't be going into much detail about my classes and what they entail while I am studying this year, it is against my school's policy and quite frankly, something I agree with. though any new personal discoveries of mine, a new playwright I love, a particularly moving piece, or a particular subject I am studying that I discover on my own time (which there is a lot of in graduate school), will be recorded. the frustrations and trials and tribulations will also be mentioned but only after some reflection and if I deem the information worth sharing to anyone publicly. which I don't think will always be the case. so we will see.

however, plenty has happened inside and outside the classroom for me to reflect on after only three days. after one too many last night at the pub, and some pretty intense conversations - I was left feeling hung out to dry this morning. my brain has already exploded and I haven't even really begun yet.

it comes down to a sense of self, and how that self might be included with the group of students I will be working with. it is fascinating to see all the various personality traits that come about, and how my own may either clash or meld with others. so far, it is too early for me to really have an honest opinion, though I am beginning to think my sense of humor is often lost on people sometimes, but for now I am attributing that to nerves more than anything.

but I also think it comes down to honesty, honesty about one's self. when I say I am nervous, scared, or upset about something, I don't necessarily think of it as a bad thing. I honestly get confused when people tell me that I shouldn't be saying such things. it may also just be my natural self-deprecating personality, or perhaps shyness. I don't know.

I guess no one likes seeing someone feel insecure. insecurity does not make one popular. but for me, how can I not be insecure right now? I am starting something entirely new with subjects I know very little about, so there will of course, be hesitation. I mean, isn't that what school is for? so you can work on conquering those very hurdles and pit falls one may personally have? that is why they call it a masters program - because god willing by the end of this - I will have mastered this subject, or at least be well on my way to doing so. and this is when I go back to having stress dreams that I am Colin Firth in The King's Speech (no, really, that's a thing).

by being insecure I am open to change, if I had come into this program with some strong idea of who I am and what I want to be - I would not be open to change, and therefore there would be no point in going to school in the first place. I have ideas, a vague sense of what I want, these last four years I have learned so much about who I am - but now it is time to put it to work. why I am here and putting myself through this is so that I may acquire building blocks that get me to where I want to go. as they say - it is the journey, not the destination that counts.

it is for these reasons that I could not be more thankful for the two trips I took out to Hatfield House on Tuesday and Weds afternoon. there was the threat of rain but I risked it. one day was to enjoy the gardens and the other was to tour the house itself. I am so glad I did both - the sky was a beautiful blue canvas where clouds worthy of John Constable flew by above my head. it was a brisk windy day, but the entire landscape was my own. truly, the only other form of human life I saw was one gardener. 

traveling in the autumn may be my new favorite pass time, very few crowds, if any. I walked through the magical fairy-like gardens and stood on the steps of the hall where Queen Elizabeth I once played as a child. I remain in awe that it was at Hatfield where the young Elizabeth first found out she was to be queen. 

the empty landscape had a wonderful ghostly aspect to it, and while I enjoyed the gardens, getting lost in the hedge maze, and hearing roosters crow in the barns, I think to me the most stunning part of the entire trip was found further afield among the ancient oak trees. they are gnarly twisted specimens which would make a marvelous home for an elf or a gnome. at one point a great flock of black birds flew out from one of the trees, and I felt like I had stepped back in time. to me there is something close to holy about a good walk through a park, or even better - through some wild rolling hills surrounded by nature. no motors, I hardly even heard a plane fly overhead, just wind whispering through branches. it was my first great autumnal day. 

and it certainly could not have come at a better time. walking over hills and touring the grand house, filled with famous paintings and relics (the highlight being Elizabeth I's own gardening gloves and hat - incredible!) as well as the amazing history - my mind was left delightfully blank of worry or pressure about school itself.  

since then however, it has been a downpour of work, ideas, theories, criticism and the beginning of exploration like I have never experienced before. however, despite the stress and my own personal insecurities I could not be more excited. I could not be more excited to spend these next days, weeks, and months with the sky darkening early and a room full of books. my brain is thirsty for knowledge and ready to work. 

it really comes down to the small things doesn't it, the surprises around the corner. the moment to moment living. the red fox I saw standing outside my window on a gray morning as I headed to school. right there, in the middle of london, a beautiful red fox. it is moments like these that I believe art and life has no boundry. 

this last week has been a series of ups and downs, I've had my share of personal drama, but I don't think I've ever been on a roller coaster of emotion quite like this one before.

there's been plenty to see, plenty to do, a few mishaps here and there - and I have done the best I can with the time I have, but last night after a wonderfully pleasant day, all the insecurities and worries of this approaching academic year finally broke the camel's back.

it has become increasingly clear to me that it doesn't matter how well prepared you are, the unknown is always a frightening experience. even the positive unknown. I think there is a common misconception about graduate school being the same as any other kind of education. it simply is not the same. I was prepared for that, as well as one can be - and I feel hampshire college prepared me well with the idea of independently produced work, self efficiency, as well as creative control and a certain thinking outside the box. however, there are other aspects that I simply was not prepared for, especially when studying abroad in another country.

a certain loneliness has descended upon me, regardless of the fact that I saw many friends this week, and made some new ones as well. I also struggle with an insecurity that my past experiences and training have not been enough for something as rigorous as grad school studies.

however, most of all - I am hesitant about the program itself. I know where my strengths and weaknesses lie, I know that during this program new strengths will reveal themselves, as well as weaknesses, I will be discovering parts of myself I never knew existed before - which is both terrifying and exciting. what I worry about then, is whether this program in particular will suit those needs. so in my moments of insecurity I find myself full of nothing but dread, dread that I have - as they say in arrested development, "made a huge mistake" - but then in my moments of clarity I feel fine, confident and excited again. I realize that there is honestly, no matter how much you look into a program, do your research, and self-evaluate, you honestly just never know how well you're going to do.

like I said - my brain this entire summer has been nothing but a roller coaster. I kept working toward these ten days off, all throughout july and august I just thought about these ten days and how wonderful it would be to just veg out and lie in bed. however, now that the bulk of it has come and gone, I have found that the lack of structure has left me more stressed, worried, and ridiculous than I even was all summer. instead of not getting enough rest, I have gotten too much. how fickle is the human heart, how terribly fickle.

the rain has stopped, for now at least - and tomorrow I am taking a trip out of london. I think it will do me good, rain or shine, I think I need to get away from the city for a bit. I usually go on long walks, but even that has not been enough. perhaps a train ride will be better and help me clear this troubled mind.

but don't get me wrong, there have been some wonderful moments this week. I have discovered some charming parts of my neighborhood in camden, including the famous 19th century horse stable market, a wonderful mix of old style architecture, tacky tourist shops, antique markets and vintage clothing stores. I love the gothic underground feeling of the place, just walking through the winding brick cavernous hallways sends my mind back to the days of Dickens.

and there have been other pleasantries as well, a rainy movie day watching Anna Karenina, and discovering one of my favorite new cafes, as well as a good local pub. meeting a long time internet friend after six years (or more?) of talking online, amazing how small a world it can be. there were also strange late nights drinking margaritas by russell square and dancing to a mariachi band. I kid you not. autumn has long been my favorite time of year so I can't help but become excited by all the plans yet to come, especially for halloween, and guy fawkes day. I don't care how busy I am with classes, I will have to do at least something.  

yesterday, however, may have been my favorite part of this week. I met another new friend of a friend and we went shopping at a pop-up vintage market. I guess these markets occur all around the city, and while vintage is nothing new in the states, there was something about it that was just so devastatingly british. a rainy cold day, nothing could have been more charming than looking through old books, tin cans and vintage clothing in a beautiful little church in hampstead. little pastel colored flags and christmas lights decorated the interior, and a young woman crooned old standards as tea and cake was made available with fine china and lace. 

I found for myself a vintage art deco ring that actually fits (barely, still a bit too big) my bone thin fingers, not a bad price at all and I have almost no rings for myself. I also grabbed a french pastel yellow coffee kettle, which will be perfect for holding flowers by my window. 

writing all this now, and having put my entire schedule together and am about to have some hot soup for dinner, I wonder at the first few paragraphs of this entry. just what am I worrying so much about? this can be a wonderful experience, I just have to let it, and stop fighting and having so many expectations. but that's how a roller coaster works I guess, one minute you're down, the next you're up. let's hope I get off this ride soon.

after a summer of nothing but running around, light sleep, and stress unlike anything I have ever experienced before, this sudden bought of time and an open schedule leaves me feeling somewhat out of sorts. I still can't seem to wake up at a proper time, and even though I slept late today I am still left feeling exhausted and worn out, and the only weapon I have to fight this battle is walking.

walking has always been my great friend. it is something I enjoy doing alone, though I never object to company - it is something I have done since my days in college when I was feeling restless, sad, or in need of a moment to think. there is something about getting lost among other people (or sometimes just lost in nature) that leaves me feeling more at peace. I rarely seem to remember to sit down, even when my feet ache and my stomach is crying out for some food - I walk on. I don't know why, it doesn't make much sense, but one of the greatest feelings in the world are sore feet after a good long walk. 

as much as I loved Chicago I missed the ability to walk pleasantly to wherever I needed to go. to do my errands at a walking pace instead of crowded public transportation. that was one thing I had in NYC that I lacked both in Boston and Chicago, but I seem to have found it again in London. 

I tend to think more clearly when I walk. it is also a very cheap form of entertainment, you can see and experience almost an entire city by walking alone. you can see all the famous sites, but also just watching the parade of humanity pass by I find immensely entertaining and enlightening. maybe it is my actor's way of looking at details and people around me, but I can't think of anything more pleasant than using a beautiful crisp afternoon as an excuse to put on my good walking shoes and ramble. 

and so the last two days have been just that. I walked all through regent park on my own, but yesterday was an even more intense walking day. my friend allison having just arrived to london to begin her own life in the uk as a student, I was excited to act as host to the city and showed her some of my favorite spots. 

we began the morning in covent garden, and breakfasted at laduree, one of my all time favorite places to eat. having yet to cross the pond and establish itself in the united states, it seemed like the perfect place to start allison's european adventure. 

the macaroons are now available in manhattan, but nothing quite compares to the entire experience of the cafe itself. eggs benedict, french toast, delicious tea, and of course dessert. there is always room for dessert. a full pastry at laduree is a work of art, I enjoyed a large rose macaroon, with raspberries and a delicious cream center. what a way to start a day. 

the rest of the day involved well, walking. to buckingham palace, to big ben and the heart of political london, through st. james park, then to hyde park for a late lunch of brick oven pizza and a pint of cider. it was a beautifully sunny day, but very cool and crisp. I have asked my parents to mail a new coat I had ordered and didn't get by the time I left. I am glad I did, by the time the sun went down it was in the upper 40s, and I felt my fingers growing numb. when did it become autumn? even more importantly, where did september go? I completely missed the first half, and already the days are racing by. what is it about growing older that causes time to move so quickly? 

we spoke heart to heart inbetween moments of admiration of the scenery around us, peter pan in kensington gardens, a brief rest under a big old tree as we watched the sun set over kensington palace. some refreshment down by the victoria and albert museum, and we ended the night in a wonderfully empty piccadilly circus, walking through the fancy shopping district on regent street. I love how the shops are lit up, grand, white, stately buildings that remind me of wedding cakes. it was then, and only then, gazing at the grand architecture and the winding streets around me, that I really began to believe that this isn't in fact a dream, I didn't make london up. for here I am. 

my first official post on my new journal, I swear this time I will be good and actually write on here, unlike the last three or so times I have attempted to do this before. but this time I think I might actually have something interesting to say. I am not sure if anyone will ever bother to read it or not, so in the end I decided it was more important that I do this for myself and worry about an audience later. so if there are any of you out there reading this, welcome!

I have been in london for officially a week. it is a very strange sensation being here and being in no rush to cram in every sight, shop, and cafe I can muster. it is very strange knowing I have a full year ahead of me. I have time to really take this all in. it won't be all fun and games however, most of it will be work - very hard work, at least that is what I keep being told at my school. 

I am excited to work however, my first two days off after my school's induction left me lost and unsure of what to do with myself. most of the time was spent either sleeping or adjusting to my new little home in camden town. it isn't the most glamorous of places, just a small room in student lodgings with my own little bathroom and desk. I'm on the ground floor, despite what Brideshead Revisited warned me of such rooms - and I don't face anything particularly charming, just a wall, a birch tree outside my window, and a few shrubberies. however I do get a decent morning light, and I enjoy watching the branches of the tree quiver in the chilly english breeze. sometimes, if it is quiet enough I can hear birds singing. 

no this really isn't much to write home about, but I wasn't looking for the perfect place to live. I had to choose convenience over aesthetic this time unfortunately, but once class starts I will hardly be here for anything else but showering and sleep, so I figured it was worth the decent price and quick trip to my school. 

the neighborhood is interesting. I can see the appeal, a bit cluttered, has a very young vibe - lots of students, shops and cafes. I am in the land of amy winehouse. it is a bit too hip for my straight edge self, and it reminds me quite a bit of the lower east side in NYC, or Soho before it became overly gentrified. lots of industrial style buildings, but with a lot of charm mixed in. 

the location is wonderful however, right near regent park, where I spent a good portion of this cloudy afternoon taking photos or roses, but more importantly enjoying the sweet deep scent of flowers in the chilly air. I was hoping for a sunny day, but the gray skies allowed the colors of the flowers to pop in pinks, reds, and oranges. I felt like I was walking through a sweet shop. 

I walked everywhere today, mainly doing errands. I finally have a british cell phone, and a decent messenger bag in which to carry all my work. nothing very exciting to report beyond just being in london. which I have to remind myself every single day. the last thing I want to do is waste my time here, and I am determined to try to live every moment I have here in full. a heavy task but we'll see how I do. 

the first few weeks of any adventure to me, are often the most lonely ones. I am not entirely acclimated to my surroundings, I don't know anyone well enough, nor have I found my regular spots which I will come to depend on for my day to day life. so it has been a strange few days, mixed with feelings of excitement and an impatience to move forward, as well as exhaustion and homesickness. what I have to keep telling myself is patience, patience. what I need more than ever is patience.